


Guilty Conscience

by doctorandmein221b



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, Ice Cream, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, but oh well hehe, ice cream is definitely a thing, john is in karkat's head, karkat really is not happy about it, mostly just john and karkat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-03-26 11:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3849094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorandmein221b/pseuds/doctorandmein221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas is working quietly in class when he hears a voice calling. He scans the classroom, but none of the other students seem to have heard anything. He soon discovers that the voice is in his head only, and that the thing can't remember anything about itself and why he's invaded Karkat's mind. The being only remembers one thing. He remembers that his name is John.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hearing Things

**Author's Note:**

> Hmm so this is my first time writing these two (even though Johnkat is my OTP), actually this is my first time writing Homestuck stuff in general! So sorry if the characterization is a tad bit off in the beginning. 
> 
> This is my also my first time attempting a multi-chapter fic, so we'll see how this goes. For once I actually have a plan and am not totally winging it so let's hope it works out! :33

     Karkat’s third period class was astonishingly quiet. The students were working harder than they had the entire year. It was nearing the end of the first semester and grades were coming out soon, so students were raptly focused on keeping their grades up. Karkat, whose grades had dropped dangerously low after the first quarter, was concentrating on finishing the assignment in front of him in a desperate attempt to help his suffering grade. The students all worked in utter silence; the only sounds heard were the scratching of pencil on paper and the occasional cough.

 _…hello?_ Karkat snapped his head up from the assignment he was working on and gave a quick glance around the classroom in search of the person who had called out. All the other students’ heads were still down, too preoccupied with the worksheet to notice Karkat scanning the room in confusion. He shook his head a bit and got back to work on the assignment, brushing off what he thought he heard.

 _Hey, um, where am I…?_ Karkat tensed. He again looked around for the source of the voice, but he found no one. Oddly enough, nobody else seemed to notice the sound, they continued to jolt down their answers completely undisturbed. The whole class was silence. _I’m fucking going insane,_ he thought to himself, _nobody said anything._

 _I did!_ The voice suddenly rang out loud and clear, sounding a tad bit desperate to be acknowledged. Karkat nearly fell out of his seat.

 _What the fuck is happening,_ he thought.

 _Ah, I was hoping you could tell me…_ the voice replied. Karkat sat at his desk stunned, and then quickly swept his eyes across the classroom one more time to make sure no one else could hear this. He could now recognize the voices as a boy’s, probably somewhere between the ages of sixteen to seventeen.  

_This is not happening. Who the fuck are you? And what the ever-loving fuck are you doing in my head?_

_I honestly have no idea. Um, I actually don’t remember anything from before a couple minutes ago. Just black fuzziness, and then I was looking down a math paper. Or I_ thought _it was me looking at the paper, but when I tried to move my hand I couldn’t. That’s when I realized that something was wrong, and started calling out. I don’t remember anything else from before then. Well, I take that back, I do remember one thing. My name is John._

     Karkat, to his own surprised, snickered under his breath, attracting curious looks from the kid sitting next to him. He cleared his throat and turned back to his paper, trying not to make it so obvious that he was apparently going batshit crazy. _John? What a cliché name. That’s seriously all you’ve got?_

_Jeez, don’t have to be so rude Grumpy._

_My name is not Grumpy, you douchewad._

_What is it then?_ The boy, John, sounded genuinely curious. Karkat paused. Is he seriously doing this? Sure, Karkat didn’t have many friends and was considered by others to be a bit of a loner, but talking to himself, now that was a new low.

 _Weeell?_ John stretched out the word, growing impatient.

     This apparition, or whatever the fuck it was, was persistent. Karkat sighed quietly under his breath, not understanding why he was playing along with this. What was wrong with him?

_My name is Karkat. Karkat Vantas._

     John’s voice suddenly perked up. _Karkat? What a cool name! It’s a little bit odd, but it’s really unique!_

     Karkat rubbed his hands over his face. _So what are you then, John?_ He thought to the boy.

     John paused for at least a good five seconds, and when he spoke again his voice was very quiet. _I don’t know._ Karkat could hear John’s sigh echo in his brain, almost as if he was listening to John’s voice through earbuds. _I don’t know anything at all Karkat._

______________________________________________________________________________

     Karkat threw his backpack over his shoulder at the end of sixth period, exhausted and ready to go home. He’d spent the rest of the day caught up on the mystery that was John, and was legitimately considering his own insanity. He had no idea what was happening with the voice in his head, and he couldn’t talk to anyone about it because they’d think he was absolutely crazy. Karkat wanted him out; he didn’t like his mind being violated like this. Like he didn’t have enough stress in his life. He just wanted to go home and not think about John.

 _Are you angry?_ John spoke up after not having said anything for a couple of hours. Karkat had started to hope he had disappeared.

 _What?_ Karkat still found the think-chatting thing really weird. With his thoughts free for John to read, he felt incredibly exposed.

 _Are you angry?_ He repeated, his voice sounded slightly guilty. Karkat remembered that John probably heard everything he’d been thinking this whole time, and suddenly felt a pang of guilt himself. He wished the boy hadn’t heard him pondering about how he was going to get rid of him. How he was going to dispose of the nuisance.

 _Yeah, I guess._ Karkat sighed and put his face in one hand, rubbing it with his palm. Gog, his head hurt. He wondered if it was John’s presence in his brain causing it or just the stress of him in general that was causing the ache. _I just don’t know what to do. Are you real or are you some concoction of my fucked up mind? How am I supposed to know? And if I didn’t make you up, then what the fuck are you? Why are you in my head?! And most importantly: HOW DO I GET YOU OUT?_

     Karkat’s eruption had left John in stunned silence. After a pause, John decided to speak up.

 _I don’t know the answers to any of your questions, Karkat. But I am positive that we’ll figure them out together!_ Karkat could practically hear John’s smile. He rolled his eyes a bit at the other boy’s confidence and started the long trudge home.


	2. Out of the Void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah this chapter is basically the last chapter from John's POV, but this will most likely be the only chapter where John's POV and Karkat's POV run parallel. After this it might jump around a bit.

     All John could remember was darkness. His conscience was simply in nothingness, it was nothingness itself. At this time, he didn’t feel anything, didn’t think anything. He was alone. But something was stirring. He couldn’t explain it, but for once something was going to happen.  

     Slowly, faded light started to glow through the black void. John felt like his mind was awaking from a long hibernation, his thoughts slowly coming back to him. The light grew until he was able to see shapes and colors. After his groggy mind registered the space around him, he determined that he was in a classroom, papers and posters lining the walls in vibrant colors that he felt like he hadn’t seen in years. He wondered how he recognized the items around him, yet he couldn’t dredge up anything about himself besides his name. That was the only thing he remembered. His name was John.

      He didn’t understand why the only thing he remembered was his name. He tried to recall any other information about himself, but when he strained to look into his past nothing could be found. Only the dark he had been left in for so long.

      John was looking down at some sort of math worksheet. He attempted to shift his hand but it wouldn’t budge. He tried a few more times, every attempt ending in failure, his body unresponsive to his commands. For a moment he thought there was something wrong with the limb, that maybe it was paralyzed, when the arm lifted and ran a hand through his hair. The unexpected movement was not his doing. Fear started to buzz in John’s thoughts. He struggled to move anything, but no matter how much he strained nothing stirred by his will. This body, what he had thought was his body, was moving on its own. It was not his. The one thing that ran through John’s head was if this was not his body, then whose was it?

      With the dread of his suspicion being correct, John tried to speak out. _…hello?_ At his words he felt the body tense and the eyes search the room. John learned two things from this: first off he was not alone in this body, and second his body-mate could hear him, at least a little bit. The body’s head shook, and the eyes were cast back down to the math paper. John decided to try again.

  _Hey, um, where am I…?_ he thought to whoever was sharing this body with him. The head gave another search of the room, but none of the other students had noticed anything.

      John’s call worked, and for the first time he heard the thoughts of the owner of this body loud and clear. _I’m fucking going insane, nobody said anything,_ thought a male voice. The boy sounded about John’s age, and even though John didn’t know if he had even heard another person’s voice before, something in this person’s voice was familiar, though he couldn’t determine what.

      John perked up excitedly, and he impulsively yelled, _I did!_

      He felt the eyes of the boy grow wide, _What the fuck is happening?_

      John went to bite his lip, but then remembered he couldn’t control this body. _Ah, I was hoping you could tell me…_

      The boy checked his classmates for a third time, his eyes scanning every other person in the room. _This is not happening. Who the fuck are you? And what the ever-loving fuck are you doing in my head?_ Boy did this guy cuss a lot.

  _I honestly have no idea. Um, I actually don’t remember anything from before a couple minutes ago. Just black fuzziness, and then I was looking down a math paper. Or I thought it was me looking at the paper, but when I tried to move my hand I couldn’t. That’s when I realized that something was wrong, and started calling out. I don’t remember anything else from before then. Well, I take that back, I do remember one thing. My name is John._

      The other boy snickered a bit in spite of himself.   _John? What a cliché name. That’s seriously all you’ve got?_ John pouted a bit. He liked his name, even though it was a very common one.

  _Jeez, don’t have to be so rude Grumpy._

  _My name’s not Grumpy, douchewad,_ he snapped.

  _What is it then?_ John really wanted to know his name. The boy was silent for a while, possibly not wanting to humor the voice in his head.

  _Weeell?_ John was growing impatient.

      The boy sighed out loud. _My name is Karkat. Karkat Vantas._

  _Karkat? What a cool name! It’s a little bit odd, but it’s really unique!_ John smiled mentally. He really liked that name. Karkat’s thoughts were quiet for a moment before changing the subject.

  _So what are you then, John?_

      John didn’t respond. He couldn’t tell Karkat the answer. There was no answer that John knew of. He grew silent, and when he thought again it was nearly inaudible. _I don’t know._ _I don’t know anything at all Karkat._

 _______________________________________________________________

         John spent the rest of the school day watching Karkat go through his classes without uttering a single word. He just quietly hovered in the back of his mind, listening to Karkat’s distressed thoughts. He felt sort of guilty, and though he had no choice about his being there, he still felt sorry for the stress he was putting Karkat through. He could tell the boy was upset, all of his thoughts were screaming to get John out. He didn’t blame Karkat though; he would’ve reacted in the same way to someone unintentionally snooping around his head.

          _Are you angry?_ he finally spoke up after Karkat had lugged his backpack over his shoulder.

         _What?_ Karkat asked, coming back to reality after zoning out.

          _Are you angry?_ he says again, a little more emotion accidentally dripping into his voice than before.

        _Yeah, I guess._ Karkat sighed audibly. John noticed he was getting a headache, or rather, Karkat was getting a headache. He wondered if he was the one causing it. Karkat continued, _I just don’t know what to do. Are you real or are you some concoction of my fucked up mind? How am I supposed to know? And if I didn’t make you up, then what the fuck are you? Why are you in my head?! And most importantly: HOW DO I GET YOU OUT?_

That stung John a bit more than he would like to admit. But it was what he expected Karkat to say, so he took the words with a grain of salt. He waited a long moment before he spoke again with determination. _I don’t know the answers to any of your questions, Karkat. But I am positive that we’ll figure them out together!_ He mentally smiled a bit at how Karkat rolled his eyes in amusement.

John was confident that he and Karkat, if they worked together, would be able to find the answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though I know what I'm doing with this fic, I honestly have no idea how long it's going to be. It will be at least ten chapters, but for all I know it might end up being twenty. We'll see. Okay, so I may have said I'm not winging this one, but I'm winging it just a bit. Oh well.


	3. Nightmares and Ice Cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kind of sad how much of this I write in my 4th period class. I don't do anything else in that class so I thought, "Hey! Why not work on that fanfiction?" and yeah that's basically all I've been doing in there now.

_Snow and crushed metal mingled together as the morning sun began to rise. Fresh crimson joined as well, creating ink splats and tiny streams that glowed against the bright white of the snow and streaked down broken glass. Metal twisted up and created morbid sculptures that scraped against the sky. Smoke from the destruction mixed with the low flying clouds, turning them from white to a dark gray. Everything was still and the world halted for a long moment, the scene as silent and cold as death. Life was suddenly breathed back into the air when a little girl’s terrified scream echoed through the woods._  

    Karkat sat up abruptly in his bed, his breaths coming out ragged and forced. His head ached and he tried to slow his breathing. It wasn’t the first time this particular nightmare had haunted Karkat’s sleep. The same dream had woken him up in the middle of the night since last year. Though he was used to its presence, it still made him not wish to go to sleep. 

 _Karkat._ John thought to the groggy boy. So he was still there. Fan-fucking-tastic.

    Karkat rubbed his eyes, still waking up. _What the fuck do you want John?_

 _What was that?_ he sounded very shaken.

 _What do you mean?_ Karkat asked, not knowing what John was referring to.

 _That, that was a nightmare wasn’t it?_ John stammered, a little stunned after what he saw through Karkat’s mind.

 _Wait, could you see that?_ A lump formed in Karkat’s throat.

 _Maybe…_ John thought, trying to sound innocent.

    Karkat cringed. The thought of having made John watch his dream made him feel sick. _I’m sorry._

 _No, I’m fine, it's you who I’m worried for. Is this your first time having that nightmare? It was… incredibly vivid._

_No, I have it… every once and a while I guess._ he lied. He didn’t want John asking anything else about the dream, so he quickly changed the topic. _Have you remembered anything about yourself yet?_  

    John let out a loud sigh. _No nothing yet. Some things seem sort of familiar, but there’s nothing I can put my finger on. But don’t worry, I’ll remember something soon!_ he said with sudden optimism.

    Looking at the clock and determining that sleep was no longer an option, Karkat stood up from his bed and scrounged around in his drawer before finding a dark, long-sleeved shirt that he considered acceptable. He tugged off the one he had slept in, revealing slender arms riddled with scars, one scar in particular jumped out against his pale skin. A long jagged scar zigzagged all the way up his left forearm, it's light color seemed like it was glowing. Karkat quickly pulled the new shirt over the mark, covering it from view again.

    _Karkat, um if you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your arm?_ John asked quietly after seeing the scar that marred his body-mate’s arm.

    The boy tensed and was silent for a second. He didn’t know whether or not he wanted to tell John, it was a sore subject of his. _I got caught in a car crash about a year ago, peice of metal or glass or something sliced up my arm. Almost bled out, apparently, according to the emergency team that showed up. But I recovered fine._

    _Wow, um… was that the same car crash from your nightmare?_

     _Yeah, that was it. A bit over dramatized, but the main factors were the same. Just have been a little bit traumatized afterwards I guess,_ he mumbled.

    _Oh_.

     _It’s nothing,_ he thought, _happened about a year ago. I’m over it._ __

_Based off of what I’ve seen, it doesn’t seem like you’re completely over it._ John pointed out.

   _You’ve only been stuck in my head for less than a day. You haven’t seen much, fuck-tard._ Karkat said sharply, only making John laugh. __

_Oh but Karkat, it feels like I’ve known you foreeeever!_ He teased in a singsong voice.

    Karkat rolled his eyes and snickered, and the room’s atmosphere went from tense to jokative simply with the stupid words that John spoke. Or thought. Whatever.

    _How the hell did I get stuck with such an incompetent moron?_

    Karkat finished getting dressed and plodded down the stairs and into his kitchen. He reached up into the cupboard and pulled out a box of Mini-Wheats cereal.

    _Ugh, do you actually like that brand of cereal? I can’t stand it, too dry for me._ John complained.

    _I don’t particularly like it I guess, but it’s cheap and I’m broke so I don’t complain like one ungrateful shithead I know of._

    He grabbed a bowl along with the milk jug out of his fridge. He scanned the shelves for anything else to eat, shrugged when he found nothing edible, and poured his bowl of cereal. When he took the first bite of the Mini-Wheats John let out disgusted cry.

    _I’m the one eating it fuckass you don’t have to complain too._

  _But I could taste it too, Karkat._ John paused, considering something. _I think we don’t only share minds, but we might share bodies too. Only I have no control over anything. Basically I can feel what you feel, and apparently taste the same things too? I don’t know. Anyways, that cereal is really gross and you need to get something else._

   _I am not changing my eating habits for you, John._ Karkat thought.

   _Mhhmm,_ John hummed sarcastically, giggling a bit.

    Karkat was not going to bend over backwards to make some probably imaginary voice in his head happy. He was not going to play into the hands of whatever idiotic game was being played with his mind. He was just going to get the boy out of his head by some means or another and move on with his insufferable life.

______________________________________________________________________________

    The afternoon temperature was beginning to spike up into the high 90’s, and John felt like he was dying. Karkat was wearing that stupid long sleeved shirt and no matter how much he begged him to take it off, Karkat wouldn’t budge. He was walking back to his house after getting some quick groceries for his home, and to John it felt like they were an ant under a magnifying glass.

    _How are you able to keep this thing on?_ John whined into Karkat’s head. __

_A fuckload of practice._ He replied.

   _Karkat this is torture, please._

    _I don’t care how much you beg, John, I am not taking off my shirt off._ At this John let out a sad wail. Karkat paused, sighed, and then turned left on the next street instead of going straight home.

    _Wait where are we going?_ When Karkat didn’t respond, he asked again. _Karkat where are we going?_ __

_You’ll see you insufferable moron._ Karkat continued to walk away from his house, the heat only rising as time went by. He eventually stopped by a small building which John recognized to be an ice cream shop. A little bell on the door jingled when Karkat pulled it open and John happily greeted the cool air conditioner. Karkat walked up to the ice cream display and was welcomed by an employee with glasses and black hair with a purple stripe in it. When the employee spoke, John noticed he had a bit of an accent.

    “Wwhat could I get for you?”

    Karkat looked up at the worker, “Hold on, give me just a second.”

    _What do you want?_ He hurriedly asked John.

    _What?_

    _What flavor do you want, dumbass._

    John grinned mentally. _Cookies and Cream. It’s my favorite._ He didn’t know how he remembered it was his favorite, just like he didn’t recall how he knew that he hated Mini-Wheats, but he just knew somehow. Karkat silently nodded.

    “I’ll take Cookies and Cream.” The cashier went to work on getting Karkat’s ice cream, and John snickered a bit. Karkat took the ice cream from the employee and payed, then went to a seat by a window and sat down. He took a bite of the desert and John hummed happily. He didn’t remember the last time he had ice cream, but he must have because the taste was so familiar to him. He must have really like it before. He remembered what Karkat had said earlier that morning and laughed a bit.

    _I thought you weren’t going to change your eating habits for me?_ He teased.

     John could feel Karkat’s face get hot. _This is just to get you to shut up, fuckass._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed that these chapters are slowly getting longer as I get more comfortable with writing the characters. I mean chapter one was just this short, tiny thing.
> 
> By the way Johnkat shippers, here some of the stuff I was listening to while writing this:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts108yDesZ4  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GhJGYUcFvA&list=PL18a83-FQ77SsVbnBxaRpnYfIEL3bi9Aa&index=12  
> and this song isn't musicstuck but the lyrics remind me a lot of Johnkat  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6vsHF3E9NU  
> Good Stuff.


	4. School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friends are all convinced that I am the human embodiment of Nepeta, so I just couldn't help but write her in this chapter. She's just so purrfect.
> 
> By the way, thanks to those of you who have commented and/or left kudos! It lets me know people are reading and liking this story, and inspires me to write more of it. Thanks for being awesome.
> 
> Finally, um this isn't Johnkat, but I could totally see John singing it to himself when he thinks no one is watching so here ya go:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI-VGeukY10

    The campus bustled with students rushing to their next class. Karkat dodged the groups of teens shuffling in rows who formed walls that forced others to walk all the way around them. It was only Monday and he already felt done with school, wishing he was back at home watching movies or something.

     The sun was hidden by the clouds today, and a light breeze gently ruffled Karkat’s hair. Though others scowled at the wind, Karkat thought it felt nice. The amount of people thinned out as he reached the west side of the campus, though some students refused to go to class on time as if it was their personal law. He wrinkled his nose at the few remaining couples making out in the corners.

     _For fuck’s sake, there’s a difference between kissing and eating someone’s face off,_ Karkat complained.

    _Jeez, they really should just get a room already. And don’t they have classes to get to?_ John groaned.

It was John’s fourth day in Karkat’s head, and things seemed to have calmed down. John still hadn't remembered anything, and Karkat was starting to wonder how they were even going to go about getting his memory back. They didn’t even know if he was human, honestly. Whatever he was, Karkat thought he was quite annoying. But, though he would never admit it, he was also starting to enjoy John’s presence. It was nice having company, especially whenever he was in his empty house. His life was slowly going from boring and lonely to a little more exciting, all because of John.

Karkat power-walked into his next class and hurried to his seat. This class was directly across campus from his last one and he was surprised he even made it before the tardy bell rang. His head felt like it was being impaled by a thousand needles, and he rubbed his forehead in an attempt to ease the growing headache. He felt bad for John, who was most likely experiencing the same pain as he was, but the boy said nothing about it. About two minutes later the teacher began class. Karkat sighed and pulled out a piece of paper to work on the daily quiz that was written on the board.

After he BSed almost his entire answer, he turned the paper over and began doodling on the back. He started of with merely a few random curves and lines, but he quickly turned them into an intricate eye. Personally, Karkat loved drawing eyes; every single one was different and unique. He could never draw the same eye twice, no matter how hard he tried. The one eye he drew went to two, and soon he had an entire face staring up at him. He looked back up to where the teacher was talking and realized he had probably missed a good twenty minutes of notes. He internally shrugged and went back to his drawing.

_Karkat, that’s- that’s really good,_ John said in awe.

    Karkat didn’t even think about the fact that John had to have been watching him draw the entire thing. He could feel his face turn hot as the blood rushed to his cheeks. John could probably feel it too, and when Karkat realized that it only made him burn even more.

****_Oh, thanks. I just can’t help doodling and sketching in class. It’s a habit,_ he mumbled.

_Did you take art at all? Because for something you spent only twenty minutes doing, that’s pretty impressive._

_No, I didn’t take any art classes. Way back in Elementary school I didn’t have anyone to talk to in my classes, so I just drew out of boredom. And drew, and drew, and drew. I guess when you do something so consistently you get pretty good at it.Now it’s merely a habit of mine._

_What a beautiful habit,_ John said quietly. **  
**

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ **  
**

    Lunch at Karkat’s school was a little bit different than at all the nearby high schools. Lunch was basically a free-for-all. Instead of a cafeteria, the school merely released its students out onto the outdoor campus and just had them sit wherever. Because of the fact that there were only about four actual tables outside, the teens had to get creative on where to sit and eat their lunches. Some sat against random walls, others balanced their food on benches, and a few even crawled into the above ground planters and leaned onto the trees. The lack of actual sitting arrangements caused these to be considered nice spots by most of the students, so they were always quickly taken up in the beginning of the year by groups of friends who kind of claimed them like their territory. Those who didn’t steal a permanent spot fast enough either had to join with another group or just sit randomly on the floor. You could basically find students lounging around anywhere.

    The school served lunches from these carts they called “Quick Cafes” where students lined up, typed in their ID card, grabbed their food, and scampered off as quick as possible. Unfortunately, the school did not always stock up on enough food to serve their two thousand students, and they would occasionally run out before everyone could get food. So if you weren’t in line early enough, there was a possibility that you weren’t eating lunch that day.

    John thought the lunches Karkat’s school served were about as good as reimagined dog food. He wondered if the chicken sandwiches were even made out of actual chicken, and honestly it wouldn’t surprise him if one started to whiney right then and there. It tasted cheap and probably was not even close to healthy. The school obviously was way more concerned with their wallets then their students. But since he had no choice on what they ate, he suffered in silence as Karkat took ferocious bites out of his food. He didn’t know whether the fact that they could taste the same things was cool or just a nuisance.

****_Do schools even care about our well being?_ John thought.

_I don’t think they give two fucks about us, John,_ Karkat replied.

****_Yeah probably not,_  he agreed.

    _I’m pretty sure they only feed us because they don’t want us to die on them,_ Karkat said, putting extra emphasis on the word “die.”

_That explains why the pizzas here taste like cardboard._ John grumbled.

Karkat paused. _How would you know what the pizzas here taste like? I only eat the chicken sandwiches,_ he asked, suddenly perturbed and a little panicked. John said nothing for a second, stunned into silence.

_I- I don’t know,_ John stammered. He didn’t remember even eating the pizzas here, or even being at this school in general. He didn’t even know what the hell he was, he shouldn’t be familiar with the taste of the school’s pizzas.

Karkat was contemplatively quite, his eyes downcast as his mind raced. He poked at his food and chewed on his bottom lip. One of his friends, one with short black hair and who used a lot of cat puns, noticed his abrupt hush. Concern flashed across her face and she tipped her head to the side. According to Karkat her name was Nepeta, and the two others at the table were Terezi and Sollux. John thought they were pretty nice, though Terezi was a little nuts from what he could tell. He tried to remember if he used to have friends before, but no one came to mind.

Nepeta asked Karkat if anything was wrong, and though Karkat reassured her that he was fine, no one at the table seemed to believe him. They insisted that something was off about his behavior. He denied it adamantly, and John laughed a bit at how bad Karkat was at lying. His friends could see right through him.

_Karkat, they’re onto you,_ he sang in his friend’s head. Karkat made a noise that sounded like a growl in his head. John just thought it was kinda adorable and started giggling.

Sollux took a bite a bit out of his apple and rolled his eyes a bit. “Whatever, when you’re ready to talk to uth about your troubleth, we’ll be here.” Karkat groaned and if John could have smiled he would’ve.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Karkat picked at his food. He was contemplating what John had just said when his thoughts were interrupted by one of his friends.

“Karkitty, what’s wrong?” Nepeta was staring at him with, as she would have said, a “purr-plexed” look on her face. Sollux and Terezi were watching him as well and it was starting to creep him out.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he lied, slouching a little bit lower into his seat. They didn’t need to know about John, or Karkat’s insanity issues.

“KK, you can’t lie to uth. We all can tell when you’re upthet. It’th alwayth pretty obviouth,” Sollux said from across the table.

“Seriously, fuckwads, nothing’s wrong.” Karkat said angrily.

_Karkat, they’re onto you,_ sang John tauntingly. He inwardly snarled at the boy, causing him break out into giggles. That dipshit.

“Whatever, when you’re ready to talk to uth about your troubleth, we’ll be here.” Sollux said after swallowing a bite of apple.

Karkat groaned. “There are no troubles to talk about!”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Terezi piped in. Karkat sighed and continued to eat his lunch.

_Are you planning on telling them about me?_ John asked. Karkat paused his eating, still having difficulty with balancing think-talking with John and actually doing stuff at the same time. He considered the pros and cons of telling his friends about the voice inside his head, and then answered said voice.

_No, probably not,_ he decided. Karkat didn’t want his friends thinking he was crazy. Granted, he most likely was crazy, but they didn’t need to know that.

For a moment he wondered what made him think John was actually a real entity and not a fiction created by his mind. It’s not like he had any actual evidence to prove that John was a living being. All Karkat knew was that he was a pesky voice inside his head. But just something about John made him think that he had to be real, that he had to be an actual person. John was too… John, to merely have been made up by Karkat.

Besides, Karkat wouldn’t have made up someone so annoying.


	5. Crimson Puddles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This thing might end up being a bit longer than what I expected. Basically, a good deal of stuff has to go down before I can wrap this thing up. So this fic has gone from a chapter estimate of about 11 chapters to AT LEAST 15-20ish. So I've definitely got my work cut out for me. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_Winter of Last Year_

     Crimson, silver, and white. These were the colors these meshed together into a morbid painting to form this horror that Karkat had found himself in. It’s bitter silence cut into him like a cold knife. Pain flashed across his entire body and he could feel the blood that was his life force draining out of him. He laid on his side, unmoving on the concrete. He was half out of the crumbled remains of his car, glass from the broken windshield cutting deep into his skin. The light breeze that flew down the forest road was chill, cutting straight through Karkat’s layers of clothing. It carried light snow along with it, which fell gently from the sky onto twisted metal and broken bodies. Some even dipped into the crimson puddles and turned from a hopeful white to a sorrowful red before melting away into nothing.

     One could say it was morbidly beautiful. Karkat didn’t thinks so.

     He heard a soft crunch in the snow on the side of the road and his eyes darted up to see a little girl about fifteen feet away. Terror blossomed on her face and she dropped the stuffed animal she was holding into the snow at her feet. She screamed and tears poured down her face. She turned and fled back the way she came. Karkat’s eyes followed her go.

     All was still in the crushed remains of the other car, which made Karkat’s heart drop. He wished for just some movement, anything to say that he hadn’t killed everyone in that car. He couldn’t live with that. Not that it mattered. He was soon to be as lifeless as the rest of the place. His eyes tried to flutter close, but he desperately fought the urge to just let them slip into sleep. This was a war he felt he was losing.

    _Is this really it for me? Cherry on top of the fucked up cake: a shitty life topped off with a shitty, premature death as well!_ He thought to himself.

     But even though no one else was there with him, he didn’t feel alone. His mind buzzed with a force that was not his own, occupying the empty spaces in his head as his own conscience dripped out along with his blood. His mind started to quiet and sleep beckoned to him, sounding ever so appealing. But as his body began to relax, the energetic buzz in his head only increased, almost like it was fighting for him to stay awake and not give up on what little life he had left. It gave him something to hold onto, to keep him from allowing his eyes to close. 

     A wailing noise that he registered as emergency vehicles could be heard in the distance, and Karkat hoped that they were coming to him. As the sound of the sirens grew loud and near, he let go of consciousness and was plunged into pitch black darkness.

**___________________________________________________________________________________**

_The Present_

     Karkat woke up in a start. He sat up quickly and his head screamed at the sudden movement. His frantic breath came out ragged and a trail of sweat dripped from his forehead. He was shaking a little, almost like a sharp chill had entered the room.

    _It’s okay Karkat, calm down, it was just a nightmare! You’re okay, I’m here, you’re safe,_ said the voice that he was finally used to in a calming tone, trying to comfort him. John’s voice was an instant reassurance, and for some reason Karkat started to feel better.

     He pulled his legs up against him, setting his chin upon his knees. He was exhausted. He had been tortured by the same dream again. The same dream as always.

     His head was filled with needle like pain, his headache having worsened overnight. He was used to a dull ache when he woke up after his nightmares in the middle of the night, but this was ridiculous. The pain in his head had been gradually growing since four days ago on Friday.

      _Just breath, okay? Breath,_ John continued in a softly. Karkat inhaled and exhaled slowly. His body relaxed and his eyelids lowered. _There, see? You’re okay._

     Karkat laughed almost sadly under his breath. _You had to watch that too, you know. Why are you comforting me, the one who forced you to endure that?_

     John hummed thoughtfully. _Because I care about my friend’s well being?_

      _Since when did we become friends?_

     John giggled, _You didn't know? I infected you with my friendship as soon as I spoke up. It was destined to happen._

      _Whatever, fuckass,_ he grumbled. Karkat would never admit to enjoying the presence of John.  

     John’s tone became suddenly serious. _Hey Karkat, what actually happened at the car crash? Karkat bristled. John noticed this and quickly added, If you really don’t want to talk about it, you don't have to! I don't want to push you._

     Karkat sighed. It wasn’t like John could tell anyone, and maybe it would be better for him if he confided in someone, regardless of whether or not that someone was a pesky voice in his head that made him feel insane. He needed to get it off his chest sometime, even if it meant acknowledging it. He took a deep breath.

    _Last year, I was driving down one of the roads on the edge of town. It was in the morning and was bright as fuck outside. Another car was coming in the opposite direction of me. Out of nowhere this lighting just burst right next to my car, in the middle of the day, and I somehow skid across the lane head on into the car coming from the other way. When we collided, my car flipped and their vehicle's front was turned into crumpled scrap metal. I, like I told you before, nearly bled out after being launched halfway out my broken windshield._

 _Who was the little girl?_ John asked.

    _I don’t know, I’d never seen her before. My guess is she was playing in the forest with some friends or something and got curious because of the smoke. I also think she might’ve ran back to her parents and told them what happened, and they called an ambulance. Heck, that little girl might’ve saved my life. I actually have something I’d like to give back to her, if I ever see her again, which I doubt I will,_ Karkat pointed to a bright yellow salamander stuffed animal that sat on his desk, totally out of place with the dark colors of his room. _That’s the toy she dropped when she ran away. The hospital staff left it in my recovery room since they didn’t know who it belonged to, and they thought it’s bright, peppy fucking colors would cheer me up or something._

 _And,_ John paused and whispered hesitently, _and in the other car...?_

     Karkat’s throat tightened. _There was two people in the other car. A man and his child. The father died in the crash, and the kid, he’s apparently in a coma in a nearby hospital._

     Karkat stopped there, he hated thinking about what he had done that day. There was a lot of things Karkat didn’t say, things he didn’t tell John. He didn’t say that he felt like it was his fault that the kid was in a coma, or that the man was dead. He didn’t say that he felt like their blood has stained his hands every single day since the crash. He didn’t say anything else for a long while. Neither of them did. John was silent as well, almost as he was mourning.

      _You should visit him._ John thought, penetrating silence so thick it was nearly tangible. _I think- I think he would like that._

 _Visit him? The kid?_ Karkat asked, feeling a little terrified at the thought.

_Yeah. Visit him in the hospital. I mean, I know it won’t make anything better but I think it would still be a good thing to do. For you, as well._

     Karkat had never considered visiting the kid. He felt that if he did go he would be haunted even more after seeing the person whose life he’d practically stolen. Karkat considered it for a moment.

 _Okay, I’ll go,_ he thought with sudden resolve. _I can’t keep running away from this, from him, forever._

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

     When Karkat burst awake from his nightmare, John was instantly there for him. Karkat lied when he said it was a dream he had only once in a while: he had the same vivid nightmare every single night. This was only the second time he was woken up by it, however.

     The first time he went through the nightmare, John didn’t even realize it was Karkat’s dream. When Karkat’s consciousness slipped into silence, John’s continued to buzz on behind his closed eyes. For John himself to sleep, he had to let his own consciousness turn off. He wasn’t exactly willing to do this, seeing as he didn’t know what would happen if he let go of the world he had just recently been re-introduced to, plus it didn’t seem like John sleeping was necessary to Karkat’s health. So he merely hovered silently in the back of Karkat’s head. But soon into Karkat’s sleep John was assaulted by visions that were not his. The started off normal enough, like some dreams do: situations that happened during Karkat’s day only twisted a little differently. Karkat also dreamed a lot about what had happened with John, how he had just popped out of nowhere and invaded his head.

     But when Karkat fell into an even deeper sleep, his pure subconscious was revealed. John’s mind was blinded by white light so suddenly he didn’t even know it was one of Karkat’s dreams. The light eventually dulled into the mild glow of the morning sun. The world was lying on it’s side for some reason, and John felt the ghosts of remembered pain echo across his skin. Snow drifted lazily down in the icy breeze. Torn metal reached up and clawed at the sky. A crimson liquid splattered gruesomely onto the remains of glass windows and onto the concrete of the road. Everything was deathly still and there was no noise except the occasional bird chirp, until the sound of small footsteps could be heard crunching through the snow.

     John’s eyes flicked to the side of the road where the sound had come from against his will. A little girl holding a stuffed yellow salamander stood wide eyed, staring at the wreck. She had short blonde hair that was pulled into two small ponytails and a cute little button nose, she was probably only around five or six. Her childlike face instantly warmed John’s heart for some reason, even though he was currently bleeding out in the middle of the street. Realizing what she was looking at, she screamed in horror and fear, accidentally dropping her yellow salamander into the snow. She stumbled backwards a few feet before turning around and running off with tears streaming down her face and a terrified cry tearing from her throat.

     The nightmare would’ve continued had Karkat not woken up, and John was grateful he had. He had not been ready for that. The vividness was astonishing: every snowflake sharp against the sunrise that’s colors swirled and seeped into the sky, the oranges and violets poisoning the clouds around them. It was all too uncomfortably familiar.

     This time he had been ready to comfort his friend. When Karkat sat up in his bed, John thought to him in a calming voice. He was concerned for Karkat, this had been the fourth night in a row that nightmare had tore its way from the darkest corner of his friend’s mind.

     However, the dream was not the only thing that was worrying him. Karkat had a splitting headache that had lasted since John showed up. It was gradually getting worse, and he was worried that something might be seriously wrong with his friend. Even though the pain cut into him too, he said nothing about it. He didn’t want to make Karkat more concerned than he already was.

     Karkat finally told him what happened about the crash, about the man who died and the boy now in a coma. They were quiet for a moment, until John broke the silence.

    _You should visit him,_ John told Karkat. He honestly believed that. If it was him, he would’ve wanted Karkat to visit, even if he wasn’t awake to acknowledge it. It would mean a lot to him. _I think- I think he would like that._

     Karkat sounded terrified at the prospect. _Visit him? The kid?_

      _Yeah. Visit him in the hospital. I mean, I know it won’t make anything better but I think it would still be a good thing to do. For you, as well._ John that Karkat needed to do this, that it would be a good thing. But he expected that his friend would refuse to do it, and it wasn’t like John could force him to go. He was just a voice in the boys head.

      _Okay, I’ll go,_ Karkat thought loudly. John was filled with surprised. _I can’t keep running away from this,_ he paused, _from him, forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnddd that took me longer than it meant to. Sorry for the little delay, I've had a very busy week and the weekend when I would've normally written my family dragged me out of town. I hope you guys liked this chapter!
> 
> If there's any errors, please let me know in the comments! Or if you liked something, also let me know in the comments! Comments are just awesome in general. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	6. Agony

            Terezi’s Chromebook blared out music at full volume at lunch. The school had issued them to all the students; every kid from first grade to high school now had a laptop. They would have to turn them back in at the end of the year, and Karkat expected the staff was not going to be happy that Terezi’s screen was covered with saliva streaks since she wouldn’t stop licking it. The Chromebooks were supposed to be used for classes, but in Terezi’s case, they were used to annoy the shit out of Sollux. As soon as the music started he put his hands over his ears and cried out.

            “Terezi turn thith thit off you know I hate thith thong,” he complained.

            “What was that? You hate this _thong?_ I didn’t think you’d bring up such matters in public, Sollux,” she laughed. He groaned, throwing his head back. He looked back up at her with a small smile playing along his lips.

            “Yeah well at leath’t I didn’t get thuthpended for three dayth becauthe I licked the thubth’titute in the fathe,” he said with a triumphant smirk. Nepeta munched on her chips like it was popcorn as she glanced between the two of them, her smile slowly growing.

            “It was a new person, how could I help myself?” She shrugged innocently. They continued to banter back and forth while Karkat just rolled his eyes.

           He finished his unappetizing school lunch and threw away his wrappers in the nearby trash can. He started to pack up his things, knowing the end of lunch neared. He stood up from the table they were sitting at. He and his friends were one of the few groups that were actually able to snatch a table at the beginning of the year. They got their spot by intimidating a poor group of freshman out of it and causing them to eat against one the walls.

            After Karkat promised John he’d visit the boy in a coma, he did research to find out the visiting hours of the hospital. Apparently there was construction being done in various parts of the building, so only family members were allowed to visit till next week when they were finished. Just his luck, Karkat would have to wait. He just hoped he wouldn’t lose his confidence before then.

           “Hey, KK!” Sollux called out after the lunch bell rang. Karkat shoved his hands in his sweater pockets and turned to his friend. “After thcool we’re all planning on going down to the mini golf course at the arcade. It’th thupposed to be pretty cool actually, like black light, glow-in-the-dark thorta thing, and afterwardth we’re heading to the roller rink. Wanna come?”

           “It’s going to be so much fun!” Nepeta said, her green eyes glowing with excitement. She nearly skipped over to him and Sollux. Her short, fluffy hair was tucked underneath her blue cat beanie that she had the habit of wearing almost every single day.

           “All those bright neon colors! I bet they taste great. I hope something is painted cherry red,” Terezi said maliciously, licking her lips a bit. Her glasses gleamed in the blinding sunlight, casting red everywhere as the rays reflected off of them.

           “Terezi, the plathe juth’t opened a couple dayth ago and you’re already planning on licking their wallth?” Sollux sighed.

           “Hehehe… maybe,” she replied, her voice sounding just a bit evil and her toothy grin growing wider.

           “I’m going to ask Equius if it’s pawsible that he could come too,” Nepeta said.

           Sollux’s nose crinkled. “Ugh no don’t invite that weirdo he’ll juth’t get all thweaty and make everything awkward.”

           “Hey Equius is purrty cool if you get to know him Sollux!” Nepeta replied. “Anyways, so are you going to come, Karkitty? It’d be purrfect if we were all able to go!”

           “Yeah what do you say, Karkles?”

           “As much as I’d like to watch Terezi vandalize a wall with her tongue and for me to fall on my ass since I can’t skate for shit, I can’t go. I actually have something I’ve got to do today, surprise surprise. If you stay later maybe I’ll swing by or something,” Karkat told his friends. Nepeta frowned, and Sollux looked at him curiously.

           “What’th it you have to do?” Sollux asked.

           “Nothing, just some stupid school stuff,” Karkat lied, turning his head away.

           Sollux raised an eyebrow. “Really? For thome reathon, I don’t believe you.” He smirked.

            When Karkat didn’t say anything, he continued in a sing-song voice. “Your fathe give’th you away, KK. Well, thinthe you won’t tell uth where you’re really going, I’m juth’t going to athume that you are going on thome myth’tery date.” He smiled maliciously at Karkat, whose face flushed as he practically growled at Sollux. This sent Nepeta, Terezi, and John into fits of laughter. His hand flew to his face when he remembered John was listening.

            “Wow so defensive,” Terezi jabbed him in the side with her cane and cackled. John hummed in agreement, Karkat being the only one to hear him glared. Terezi turned to Sollux, “He’s so obviously guilty.”

            “Ugh whatever, shut the fuck up Sollux I told you I’m just going to do school work,” Karkat snapped. He turned and started to walk to his next class, “see you guys later.”

            “Whatever. Tell your date I thaid hi!” Karkat just groaned, shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked to his next class.

________________________________________________________

           The bell for the end of school and Karkat was out the classroom door almost instantly. He was ready to be out of that hell hole. It was only Monday and he was already so done. He made his way out the front of the school and crossed the parking lot to the street that ran nearby. He started off on his normal route home, but that was not the destination he had in mind.

            _Are we actually heading home to do that school work you were telling Sollux about? It better not be math, I hate math._ John asked. Karkat was well aware of the fact that John hated math. Karkat did too, but all through math class John would gripe about how bored he was.

            _You do realize I’m the one who does the problems, right? You just whine the whole time. And no, actually we’re not going home yet._

            _Where are going then?_ John said in a chipper voice.

            _To the ice cream parlor,_ Karkat replied shortly.

            _Karkat, it’s like fifty degree out today._

            _And?_

            _Nothing,_ John chuckled a bit.

            _What?_ Karkat questioned angrily.

            _Nothing,_ the boy laughed.

            _I swear to god John tell me what’s so fucking funny or I am going flip my shit._

            _It’s just funny, considering what Sollux said,_ he said in a teasing tone.

           Karkat paused and stopped walking, confused, before he realized what John was talking about. _Oh my god,_ he groaned.

            _Hey, Terezi was right, you were acting awfully defensive,_ John pointed out.

           “Oh my fucking- no shut up shut up shut up,” Karkat accidentally said out loud. He put his head in his hands.

            _I’m just kidding, Karkat, calm down,_ John laughed, Karkat was not finding it particularly amusing.

           Karkat snuggled his neck deeper into his gray sweater. It was pretty chilly outside, actually. He finally made it to the shop, a little sign in the window reading “Open” welcomed them inside. The bell on the door chimed their arrival and the employee cleaning the glass displays looked up from his work.

           “Wwelcome,” it was the same worker as the one who had served them the last time they came here. The boy was about the same age as Karkat, hipster glasses framing eyes that looked dead inside. This guy obviously didn’t want to be here. The tag on his uniform told Karkat his name was Eridan. The boy had an interesting accent, and Karkat wondered where he was from.

           Karkat stepped fully inside the small shop, the door swooshing closed behind him. The ice cream parlor was void of customers, which made sense considering how cold it was outside. Karkat was the only one that day crazy enough to actually buy ice cream on a day like this. Colorful stools lined a long counter and small tables were scattered about the room. Most of the wall consisted of a large window looking out to the busy streets.

           Karkat didn’t even hesitate to glance at the ice cream display; he was already at the counter pulling out his wallet.

           “Can I get a scoop of Cookies and Cream?”

           “Cone or cup?” the cashier asked in a monotone voice.

           “Cup,” Karkat replied. The cashier nodded and grabbed a cup from the giant stack piled on the shelf behind him.

            _Do you even like Cookies and Cream?_ John inquired.

            _Not particularly._ Karkat shrugged. The cashier noticed the movement and gave him a questioning look. Karkat looked away innocently, pretending he wasn’t absolutely insane and was just an average guy who did not have some weird voice in his head that just happened to enjoy Cookies and Cream ice cream.

            _Then why do you get it?_

            _Because you like it,_ Karkat answered. Realizing what he said continued quickly, stammering a bit, _and you know you’re already stuck with me 24/7 so you might as well get something out of it._

           John just hummed thoughtfully. The cashier, Eridan, handed Karkat his ice cream and Karkat hastily paid. He walked to a table near the window and sat down. He unceremoniously stabbed his ice cream with his spoon and took a bite.

            _It doesn’t matter how many times I eat this flavor_ , _it is still the best,_ John thought.

           Karkat chuckled under his breath and rolled his eyes, _Dork._

            _You know I’m awesome._

            _Keep telling yourself that,_ Karkat’s seemingly permanent frown twitched upward for a moment.

            _Don’t worry, I will,_ John snickered.

 _________________________________________________________

            Karkat’s head was on fire. Not literally, but it sure as hell felt like it. He was curled into a tight ball on his couch, his head hidden in his arms and his face shoved into a pillow in an attempt to smother the pain that he couldn’t escape. He hadn’t had this bad of a headache in his entire life. It felt like something was clawing at the insides of his skull and turning his brain to ribbon.

            He had been asleep in the living room after a long day and when he had woken up his head was throbbing and John was complaining about the pain in a hushed tone.

            Karkat had had a growing headache for the past week, but John hadn’t complained. But now he couldn’t help but whimper at the sheer agony that laced through his conscience. That was the moment when he wished he didn’t share senses with Karkat, because it was unbearable.

            _Holy crap, Karkat, do have any pills or something to make this stop?_ John thought through the searing pain.

 _I think I might have some Excedrin or something,_ Karkat attempted to get up.

 _Ow ow ow fuck standing up hurts,_ John yelped. Karkat nodded slightly and then stumbled over to his bathroom down the hall and opened up a cabinet. He grabbed a bottle of Excedrin Migraine and shook out two pills. He walked to the kitchen, wincing with each step. He poured a small glass of water and popped the pills into his mouth, quickly swallowing them with a chug of the liquid.

                Even though he took the medicine, it’d still be a half an hour or so before the effects kicked in. So Karkat just huddled on the couch, curled in the fetal position while his head was screaming. He felt horrible for dragging John into this agony as well. There was nothing else he could do but wait, wait and hope the godforsaken pain would go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The freshmen intimidated out of their seats? That was my group of friends. We were the sad group of nerds sitting at the wall, that's us.
> 
> Thanks for the read! Comments are really appreciated.


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